My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
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[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
my professor scared me for a second
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.