me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
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People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)