Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
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Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
#winning
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.