*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
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oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
my professor scared me for a second
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?