My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
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Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”