Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
You Might Also Like
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Always…
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.