Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
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Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.