The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
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why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
they really do be looking like this
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*