I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
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The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Simple
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…