Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
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very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago