My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
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I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.