It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
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Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?