*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
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A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆