I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
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PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
no one likes gloating
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Basketball
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old