Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
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“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?