WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
You Might Also Like
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean