Snapes on a plane.
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I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Good morning.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it