Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
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My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo