DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
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you know what ruined my childhood? children
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!