If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
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Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
the saddest jazz hands ever
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders