Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
You Might Also Like
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Usage Guidelines
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.