computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
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Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information