I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
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[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.