Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
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ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade