i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
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I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.