When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
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2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently