him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
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Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
The honesty is refreshing
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
She was REALLY feeling it.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Cheers Twitter.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.