A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
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The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.