I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
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Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*