Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
You Might Also Like
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?