My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
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chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
😂🤣😂🤣
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.