Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
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[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go