I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
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The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids