So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
You Might Also Like
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
jesus, what did this guy do
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something