My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
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it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I didn’t come here to be called names
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.