Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
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I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
the three branches of government
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
So glad we cleared that up
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
White Castle for the Win