“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
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My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Bed should get ready for ME
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.