You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
You Might Also Like
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
new shirt idea
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!