[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
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The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
#math
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly