God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
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(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Breaking news:
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.