I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
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(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.