Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
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If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers