i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
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“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…