Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
You Might Also Like
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.