When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
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genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
IT’S-A ME,
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex