Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
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[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”