“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
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Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!