little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
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My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.