excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
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Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.