me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
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I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Mountain Goat : )
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.